How Cooking Destroyed My Life

I had quit kitchen work after building a business’s Standard Operating Procedures from the ground up to comply with the new Post Covid standards.

I also just returned from the East Coast of Canada with life altering news weighing heavy in my heart and mind.

I finally decided that I needed to change.

Autumn 2021

I was in a local employment agency with my agent, both of us sitting in stunned silence.

We had had this conversation many times before, “If I didn’t want to return to cooking, what do I want to do?”

It had been a simple question, a routine question even!

For whatever reason, today, this question hit different. I don’t remember why or what in that moment changed, I just knew I couldn’t keep lying to myself.

The moment I opened my mouth, the emotional damn broke and I all but shouted,

“I don’t! I don’t want to DO anything! I don’t want to help others! I don’t want to serve others! I don’t want my worth to decided by how much someone else can get out of me!”

Silence

Then the realization setteled deep within me. I didn’t know myself.

I only knew the mask, carefully crafted and held firmly in place by spite, had finally broken.

The Beginning

Not unlike many other people raised in the ninety’s, I was living with the handed down mental and emotional abuse of Boomer Parenting. The threat of physical violence was still very real, just better hidden from the public.

Anytime I had voiced my hopes and dreams for my future, I had been repeatedly reminded that I wasn’t pretty enough to do “XYZ” in life, And I certainly wasn’t smart enough to accomplish “ABC” in life, so I should focus on being a useful wife and Mother.

Hone the skills necessary to attract a decent man who would be a provider and learn the skills necessary to keep him happy. “Maybe you should learn to cook Jamie, Men like women who an cook well.” This sentence was the one most frequently repeated.

So at a young age I had decided I would learn to cook. And I would be so good at it that everyone would want me to cook for them! And then I’d refuse. “If you want to taste my cooking then You’d better be able to afford to eat at my restaurant!”

My entire life had been designed by spite. My career, my parenting, where I lived, and how I lived, was all done out of spite.

Then the Covid Lockdowns happened. That solitude forced me to take a hard look at why I cook and do I even want to cook?

I could have used my skills to launch my own cooking show! I had the skill, the time and the support necessary, I just couldn’t stomach the thought of more cooking, but I just couldn’t see why. Until that day in the employment agency.

The Realization

The true reason I persued cooking in the first place, it was spite and hurt, letting the people who should have loved and supported me bad mouth me in to making poor life choices.

I made self-destructive choices and used cooking as a way to hide or disguise the consequences. I ignored these problems until I lost everything in 2021. My career, my Home and my Partner, gone.

Having to start over, Post pandemic, in my late 30’s as a single mom, forced me to finally be honest with myself. I hated who I was choosing to be every single day. I let someone else’s opinions and expectations dictate how I moved through my life.

My children deserved better. I deserved better.

My Agent, with kindness, firmly suggested mental health services through their angency.

I agreed.

It was time to stop existing in someone else’s expectations and start living in my own choices. And for that to happen, I needed some help.

The Results

I spent the last 5 years methodically burning my life to the ground. And no I’m not exaggerating.

I left the workforce and applied for government assistance. I needed time to be present with myself and my children. I needed time to grieve completely. And I knew I couldn’t do that while trying to keep up appearances at a job.

I started trying new things, and told No One. These new things belonged to me and served no other purpose other than my pure enjoyment.

I helped those who loved and respected me as much as I loved and respected them.

I severed ties with the abusive, narcissistic family members and friends, who refused to listen and/or make the effort change.

I chose to put myself first. My health, my mental and emotional wellbeing, and my relationships with my loving family and friends.

And for this, some people in my life have said that I’m selfish.

When I stopped the unrestricted access to me and voiced a need for respect of my boundaries the hurtful comments came flooding in from people who benefited from my being obedient and compliant.

They saw my worth or value being equal to what they could get out of me.

Today and The Future

Now I make my life choices based on my needs and the needs of my children first.

I have a more peaceful and fulfilling life built with intention.

Waking up is slow and unhurried.

Everyday is a practice of calm and intention and teach my children to do the same.

The thought of work no longer fills me with dread. Instead there’s an anticipation of joy excitement and fulfillment.

And cooking…

It’s taking time, but slowly and with intention I am rebuilding that relationship. I no longer harbor resentment when asked to cook, and I know I won’t be punished for saying no. Sometimes, I even get excited at the thought of trying a new recipie.

My life isn’t perfect. Not even close! But I am in control now. I am the designer and architect of my life and I am thoroughly enjoying the journey now.