8 Best Tips to Find your Identity outside of Motherhood

You’re probably thinking I’m going to tell you that having kids is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You’d be right, but as we know, it’s not all sunshine and roses.

Don’t get me wrong, becoming a mother is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.

But I had been so consumed with meeting the expectations of others, family and friends included, that I forgot I was a human too. I had neglected my own needs and selfcare in raising my family. And when I was finally forced to take a hard look at myself, I didn’t recognize the woman staring back.

What is Identity Loss?

When you hear the term Identity Loss you might think of someone who has lost their Identity to another person. Like Identity Theft.

But in this case, no one has taken your sense of Identity from you.

You have lost yourself in trying to be the best Mom, partner, employee, homemaker, etcetera. Lost trying to be everything to everyone else.

Why does this loss of identity happen?

You’ve spent so long wrapping yourself up in the expectations of others that you haven’t cultivated reasonable expectations for yourself.

My realization of identity loss came when I was trying to build a business from home in 2020. After being asked who I wanted to help or what value did I want to bring to others, I made the heartbreaking revelation that I didn’t.

I didn’t want to help any more. I didn’t want to be of service anymore. I didn’t want to be of value any more.

I had given everything of myself to others, at home and at work, for so long that I no longer had anything left to give. I was feeling depleted and unsupported, with no idea of who I had become. I was just someone’s Mom.

I’ve done a lot of research since then, and through trial and error, have brought together 8 of the best tips to cultivating your Identity.

Because we are all more than just Mom.

8 Best Tips to find your identity outside of Motherhood

Tip 1: Figure out what fills you with joy

If you’re feeling like motherhood is your only identity and that you have no other interests or passions, it’s time to think about what makes you happy.

This process can be as simple as taking a walk in the park or going on a date with your partner. Actually any outdoor activity is good for rejuvenating your spirit and improving your mental health. Camping and fishing are my personal favorite activities.

You might also want to consider taking up a new hobby or enrolling in classes at the local community college. Try something you would never normally try, like painting or martial arts!

For inspiration you can look at your past hobbies or activities. If you were a gymnast, try Aerial yoga. If you played hockey, join your local skating club and learn to figure skate.

The important thing is that this activity makes you feel good!

Tip 2: Make time for yourself

One of the most important things you can do to help your mental health and sense of identity is to make time for yourself. Don’t just leave having time for yourself to chance, you need to make the time for yourself.

This can be difficult, especially if you’re a mother and/or work full-time. You might think that taking care of yourself means putting others first, but actually it’s important not only for them but also for yourself!

Take care of yourself by making sure that every day (or at least once or twice a week), you have some time where no one else needs anything from you–no phone calls or emails and no interruptions from anyone else in your home. This may sound impossible at first but once it becomes part of your routine it will become easier over time!

Tip 3: Find a group of friends who support each other

Finding a support system is essential. You need people who understand what you’re going through, and can offer advice, encouragement and support.

You may find that the friends in your life right now are not the best fit for this role. For example, if they don’t have children themselves but still want to talk about parenthood with their friends who do have kids–and especially if those conversations tend toward judgement or criticism–it might be time for a new group of pals!

Don’t forget that you can use the online space to find a community too. It’s amazing how many groups and clubs you have access to, and most of them are free.

Tip 4: Do things you never thought would be possible

I think sometime we forget that, yeah we are Moms, but we are adults now too! We can actually do almost anything we want.

Want to learn to surf? Go for it! Want to climb a mountain? Do it! Want to paint landscapes in oil? Amazing! Have you always dreamed of competing in figure skating? Tell your coach, make a plan, and get after it!

Your dreams are not too big, your plans are just too small. And don’t let anyone else fears tell you otherwise.

Do something that makes you feel good about yourself, even if it makes other people uncomfortable or scared!

Tip 5: Don’t compare yourself to others

This is a big one. It’s easy for us as women and mothers to get caught up in comparing our lives with others–especially when it comes down to motherhood.

Our worst comparisons come from social media. Those influencers can be inspiring sure, but if you spend your days thinking your a failure because you don’t make three course meals for your kids lunches, then it’s no longer inspiring.

We all want what’s best for our children and ourselves, but sometimes we forget that everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. There are moms who are amazing at being moms but not so great at blogging; there are also bloggers who write beautifully but may not be able to handle the demands of raising small children on their own (or vice versa).

So stop comparing yourself! Instead, focus on your own strengths: what makes YOU special? What do YOU love doing? How can YOU make a difference in the world?

Tip 6: Stay active, physically and mentally

Physical activity can help you feel better, but it’s important not to overdo it. Try finding a balance between going hard and taking care of yourself.

If you have a physically demanding job, like carpentry or Nursing, then balance that with restorative exercise like walking or yoga. In contrast, if you sit at a desk all day then cross fit or martial arts 2 to 3 times a week would be a better balance.

Mental activities such as reading or taking an online course are good ways to keep your mind sharp and focused on something other than motherhood for a while.

Find the right balance between physical and mental activities that works best for your needs as an individual–and remember that there’s no wrong way to do this!

Tip 7: Be patient with yourself and others

Patience is a virtue, but it’s also a learned skill. The more you practice patience, the easier it will become to be patient with yourself and others.

Be patient with yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed or frustrated by your current situation. It’s okay to take time off from the things that make you feel bad, whether that means taking care of yourself by going out with friends or taking some time away from social media altogether (if that’s what works).

Be patient with others who might not understand why you need time alone or why they shouldn’t ask questions while they’re trying to help–they may just not know what else to say!

Tip 8: Remember that it’s OK to take care of yourself first sometimes

The biggest thing to remember is that it’s OK to take care of yourself first sometimes.

You don’t have to feel guilty about that, because taking care of yourself isn’t selfish–it’s self-care! And if you do it right and make sure not to neglect your family or responsibilities, then everyone wins.

When I say “right,” I mean in moderation: Don’t go on vacation for two weeks by yourself and then come back exhausted (and maybe even more stressed out than before).

Take one day off every couple months; go for walks during lunchtime; see friends or read books when possible; get a massage from time-to-time… whatever makes sense for your life at this moment!

Just remember: No matter what else happens today, remember that taking care of yourself has value too!

You are so much more than a mom, and even if it doesn’t feel like it all the time, you deserve to know that too!

You are so much more than a mom, and even if it doesn’t feel like it all the time, you deserve to know that too!

You matter. Your feelings matter. Your needs matter.

You have a right to take care of yourself and be in touch with who you are outside of motherhood–and this doesn’t mean that your children won’t benefit from knowing their mom as well!

In fact, I would argue that taking care of yourself helps everyone in the family be happier with life overall (including any future babies).

Conclusion

I know it can be hard to remember that you’re more than just a mom, but if you work on it every day and take time out for yourself, then eventually you will start believing it too.

You deserve to know yourself and that there is more to life than just being a mom–and so does everyone else!