Why you should be selfish

Selfishness.

We are taught from a very young age that this trait is bad.  With a capital “B”

What’s the opposite of sharing?  Selfishness. 

The opposite of kindness?  Selfishness.

The opposite of Generosity?  You guessed it!  Selfishness.

Are you actually selfish?

The short answer, no.

Now, as an adult I often look deep in to my own actions, reactions and feelings in the moment.  And what I’ve discovered isn’t really ground breaking, but it is definitely mind shaking.

We are called selfish when others cannot get what they want out of us!

That’s it.

We are not born selfish, with the need to have that corrected as we develop.  We are just forced to bend to someone else’s agenda and labelled harshly when we don’t comply.

Saying no to an extra shift that was not scheduled to you is not selfish.  Taking a class or going to an activity or club, without the kids, is not selfish.  Hell hiring a babysitter to watch your kids while you take a proper shower is not selfish!

To be selfish is to consistently put your wants before other’s needs, without considering them or their wellbeing.

If I want to go out and have a meal, a couple of drinks and go dancing with some friends, I will hire a sitter and enjoy myself.  I will come home sober, thank the sitter, either make sure they get home ok or offer a place to sleep, then hydrate, wash up and get to bed because I am still a parent. 

I took time for me (my wants), and still made sure my family’s wellbeing was considered and cared for (their needs).

Did any of that sound selfish to you? 

Now that we have defined selfishness, why would you want be selfish?

The truth is you’re not going to be.  Most of the time, what others call selfish, is just you having and enforcing boundaries that prevent them from getting what they want out of you.

So when you feel burnt-out, and know you need to rest, but the boss is calling you selfish for saying no to covering someone else’s shift, this is where you need to remember you are not selfish for taking care of your wellbeing.  They are calling you names because they can’t get what they want out of you.

This is why it is so important to put the time and energy in to caring for you first.

Now how do we do that when we have spent so much time conditioned to put other’s wants above our own needs?  Because, in all honesty, it feels wrong, doesn’t it?  Especially when you have children, consciously taking the time for your own wants and needs is an exercise in mental fortitude.

The simplest and most effective way to start is to set a timer for 10 minutes, and just sit. 

Prep the kids and partner; let them know you are not available until the timer goes off.  Partner can’t find something, wait for the timer.  Kids want attention, wait for the timer. 

This is going to be a tough exercise at first, especially with really small kids.  But this is really important training for them and for you.  Eventually you are going to want to go out on a date night, or join a club, or attend an event, and your family is going to have to be used to you needing time to yourself.

You will be a better human being

Having time for yourself will allow you the space, mentally and physically, to not only recharge, but to learn and grow as a person. 

And it doesn’t have to cost anything to learn something new or improve the skills you already have.  Just remember that when you don’t spend money to learn something, you will be spend time to learn instead.  Find more information in 6 tips to change your life with no money.

This is why it is important to practice having “me” time at home.  Setting the timer and reinforcing the boundary with your family, shows everyone the importance of taking care of your own needs.

This eventually will spill over in to your children’s daily lives, and they will learn the importance of taking care of their own wellbeing too.    

Conclusion

If caring for yourself and your needs, so you are the best person, mother and partner, you can be makes you selfish in someone else’s eyes, then damn straight you should be selfish!

You should say no to the extra shift and yes to a day with your family, say no to the coffee date and yes to the yoga class, or even no to late night Netflix and yes to a quiet, early morning coffee. 

Saying no to the draining and yes to the soul restoring, and showing your family that it’s not only okay, but a necessary part of life, is the most selfless thing you can do.